運命って残酷なものだ。
もう諦める事に決めたのに、また何か希望がありそう。
どうすれば良い？
迷う、迷う。

 

どうして君は私を笑わせるの？
お願い、私の苦しみを早く終わらせてください！

 

息苦しい。

i have finally turned eighteen.
the sound of that number scares me a little, excites me a little. 

i am glad that things turned out the way it did all these seventeen years. 
it is true that everything happens for a reason, i live by that belief. 
and so i would truly like that believe that whatever has happened will be explained to me in due time. 
either blatantly or as a revelation. 

this could be the one and only day that i can be open with my true feelings on lj.
what i'm about to say is real and true.
i really feel veryveryvery blessed to have so many great people by my side and for my life.
it is truly a wonderful feeling to be told that your existence means something to someone. 
and that being said, thank you to my parents for raising me up and definitely for giving me the greatest gift of all. 
thank you, dear friends, who have all been with me one way or another.

eighteen.
i already feel a little bit wiser, a little bit experienced. 
happy birthday me!

I just feel like crap.
sometimes (if not all the time) I just feel so helpless.
like I have no control over anything.
not my mind, not my actions, not my being.

 

and here I go again; dive into this mess of a situation that I put myself into.
I am just gonna let the currents wash me along and see where I end up.

 

crappycrappitycrap

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

so just let me drown.
drown into the nothingness.

 

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me,
And all this devotion was rushing out of me,
And the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me,
The arms of the ocean deliver me.

 

how come there are so many people willing to listen yet I feel like my voice is being drowned out?

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

they just aren't.
so we move on. 

read some of my older posts and GOODNESS, WHY HAVE I BECOME SO SAD?
I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPYHAPPYHAPPY
HAHAHAHAHA screw you! screw me! screw life!

"Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take is the worst of suffering."
paulo coelho, you are such a genius you know that?

why is it that the things that make me happy make me sad too?

hahaha i don't care, i'm on a mission to be happy. YESYESYES. 

"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.”
- Sylvia Plath

i wanna feel as much peace. 
sometimes i wonder if i really can "escape from this place"
we always hear people saying that, myself included. 
but what exactly do we want to escape from?
and is it something we can really escape?
what if going to the other side means that we have to leave some important things behind?

"He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad."